I’m sad to say my letter to Jon & Kate either didn’t get through or they didn’t want to listen. So, I will have to update. The very worst has happened. It is terrible when we get into these adversarial]]>
It’s so awful when our life spins off into a vicious cycle and it’s really not necessary. It does this when we start living our life by our feelings and when we get our eyes on man. Not one man but any man or men including women. And when we stop living by the rules. A]]>
I’m praying a hedge of thorns around any ungodly relationships for them. That m]]>
Do I believe some couples must divorce? Yes, I do believe some people are beyond help. Their hearts (at least one’s) are so hardened that it isn’t possible to do otherwise than end it. But I don’t think this is one of those cases. But I must say, it is turning into such a case and that does not speak well of either one.
Did you know before a person gets cancer, they are in a precancerous state? There are things that if the person knew they were in that state, they could do and maybe turn it around. I think this is true in relationships, too. We are in a pre-divorce state but don’t recognize the signs or even if we do, we don’t do what we need to do to change things to the positive. So, yes we do end up with a divorce, but that doesn’t mean it was inevitable. That it had to be. I just don’t think Jon & Kate were that bad of a case. I think they just kept doing what they were doing like I kept doing what I was doing and ended up with cancer. And once diagnosed it was a very hard sludge getting whole again. A very hard sludge. But I had to do it. Not for me, but for those I love. Heaven knows Lamar wouldn’t know what to do with all this stuff. And I’m afraid I’ve ruined him for anyone else. And him for me, too.
I’m praying at some point Jon & Kate will have an epiphany and recognize the only thing to do is to take the long sludge back. Many of us have.
That’s my new message.
This is the old:
Dear Jon & Kate:
Having been married 43 years, and because you both want to be there “for the kids,” I’d like to offer some advice.
First, I would say, you would probably admit your love for each other just isn’t there like it was any more. Don’t worry about that because God is love and He can give you more and He will give you more at some point. If we are obedient to Him, our love will grow. If we are not, our love will fail.
The second thing I would say, if you are going to do the right thing for the kids, then you have to go all the way. You can’t do it half-way or the kids will know it and still suffer a terrible wound that simply will not heal. Ten gaping wounds is what we will all have to watch for the rest of our lives. We will never get passed this any more than we have the death of Princess Dianna.
Children do not just need to have each parent there, but they also need to see the loving, interaction of a couple committed to each other for a lifetime. And I do mean the strokes and even kisses (quick ones). And they need to see their parents resolve their “issues” together. Together being the operative word.
Third, I would say, lay off the liquor. Liquor in this mess is lethal. It does not help any mess, especially this one. And you must be committed to severing all ties to relationships that hurt the other spouse no matter how innocent they might have started out to be. And I would not talk of these things passed a certain point. I do not feel knowing the details will help and I feel you were both wrong to some degree.
If one of the ten of you had died in the midst of all this, all of a sudden these problems would pale in comparison. It’s really sad that because you don’t have a crisis you couldn’t sustain the good and be happy in it. People do it all the time. The hardest thing to sustain is success.
I understand both of you have criticized the other and been frustrated at times. What marriage hasn’t? Add to this the national spotlight and it is just natural that it would seem all the worse. You weren’t that bad. Any marriage that didn’t have those negatives isn’t normal. One isn’t thinking. No two people can agree on everything. I saw a great deal of admiration for the other in the midst of it all. You must now forgive the other and allow God to heal the wounds. I would say the one thing you did wrong was to let the sun go down on your wrath. Break a rule of God at your own peril!
You must live like we should all live, not just the alcoholic: one day at a time. Not looking forward or back. Do now what you need to do. Do what a loving family/couple would do. Make time for each other. If you need to get away, get away together. And definitely get away from the cameras. Bring the laughter back (for the kids sake).
If you are doing the right thing for the kids, then you can’t arrive all the time in separate cars and stay ten feet apart the whole time. You must be together and agree to try harder to do better with your mouths. And if you can’t right now, then you still need to get rid of the things that are not helpful: other inappropriate relationships, etc. And yes, get counseling. You are just one more “Can This Marriage Be Saved” article of which millions could be the main characters. Yes the marriage can be saved and if you don’t save it, your lives will never be right again. Reality will destroy any new relationship you try to form.
My love for my husband died after ten years of marriage and we almost separated. But for the kids… The difference is our little girl had been killed running across the street. There was no place of happiness for me, so I might as well stay in the marriage. What I didn’t know was that was the best thing I could do. As I brought healing to myself, I brought healing to my husband and my family. Each of you need healing, not a better significant other. Seek for your healing and somehow, God will bring it to you all. Seek to be happy and no one will be happy. Seek to do right and happiness will follow. (Licking your wounds is not what’s right. Forgiveness is what is right. And so is moving on together, because God made you ONE!)
America is praying for you. We have come to love and admire you and we pray you live up to our expectations, because we know you can do it. If you can come this far, you can go all the way!